47/365

Hmm, I don't know how it happened, but I don't have a photo for this day. Ah well, chalk it up to poor sleep!

Speaking of poor sleep... Okay, this night weaning thing is just not going well for me. It's as if Elyas is rebelling from the idea now that I am pushing it! We were to the point where he as sleeping a good solid 5-6 hours without waking to nurse. Unfortunately, these hours were from about 830-230 or 3. I get up after the kids go to sleep and work, usually getting to bed around 12 or 1230, read a bit to settle my mind, then sleep. So that means I'm getting 2 hours before his first waking (and the time of the first waking doesn't change if I "dream feed" when I go to bed, it's not a nutrition thing, it's a soothing thing). Then he wakes every 2-3 hours until getting up around 730. Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep a night is sort of wearing me, though I do sleep to 8 or a bit later on the weekends thanks to my very sweet husband.

Well, I started telling him "later" when he'd wake up at night, and it was working okay, about a third of the time he'd roll over and go back to sleep, and the other 2/3s I'd acquiesce. A few nights ago, I started saying "no" when he insisted... which would lead to much fussing, or I'd let him nurse, but not all the way back to sleep, which would also bring about fussing. Tonight he fell asleep early for him, about 10 minutes to 8. So at 8, I tried to sneak off, and he woke up when I detached him. I told him to go back to sleep, but he started *screaming*. I let him go for a few minutes, but Leila was asleep, so I gave in. He fell back to sleep, I tried again to sneak off. More screaming. This time I said "no, the milkies are tired and empty. It's time to go to sleep". Enter tantrum. Full on tantrum, screaming, back arching, too upset to say "I want minute"... and then enter my bad-mommy moment. 20 minutes into the tantrum, with Leila stirring, I give in, nurse him to sleep and I'm able to sneak off in 5 minutes. I *knew* I shouldn't give in, I know the message it sends (ie, just scream longer next time because she'll give in eventually)... What can I say, I'm weak. Well, I go down to work, and 45 minutes later, he's up, crying. Nurse him back down. Then 30 minutes later... again, crying. Ugh. Not much work was achieved tonight. I wonder if I have broken the system.
(adding in the morning)
For the rest of the night, he continued to sleep fitfully. So now I am thinking that I may have to take a break and start the process over again soon. I struggle with really wanting Ali to take over the settling for a few nights, and feeling bad for him because he has to go to work. And then I'm pissed I feel bad, because he always gets to sleep through the night, but I haven't slept all night in at least 2 years, but realistically more like 4 years, since Leila night weaned while I was pregnant with Elyas. I think about waiting until spring break to night wean him, which is at the end of March, then Ali can take his share.

And I wonder if I've broken the advances we made with last night's fiasco. Should I take a break because now he's reacting to it? Not ready? Ugh... I so desire several hours of unbroken sleep, and I can't really sleep through nursing anymore.