Are you the sort of mother you want to be?

It's a somewhat rhetorical question, but one I feel I must ask myself these days. Lately I've been butting heads with my two year old; I am sure those of you who are or have been parents of toddlers can relate to this experience. Leila is delightful and exceptionally bright (inherited that from her mother - har har), but she is also incredibly stubborn and good at pushing her mother's buttons (unfortunately inherited that from me as well... what goes around comes around they say). But what makes me most unhappy about this stage is I am just not able to be the sort of mother I want to be. I intend to be unconditionally loving, compassionate, and kind; but I find myself short-fused and yelling more days then not. I read Unconditional Parenting and it just served to make me feel worse! I try to do things the way the book suggests (which is in line with my personal parenting philosophy and how I have acted as a nanny)... why is it so hard for me?

Let me give an example. Lately Leila has been biting, or using her teeth on people (as in, she's not clamping down her jaw, but she presses her teeth into others); and sometimes it's malicious (I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, assuming it was teething or a way of communicating excitement). Just this morning I put Elyas down in the rocking chair in the living room for a moment, and she ran over and pressed her teeth into his scalp! I thought she was giving him a kiss, as she usually does - until he started crying. And he still has the mark! There seemed to be no reason for it. So I tried to do better than I have been lately, and in lieu of yelling at her, I picked up Elyas, got down on her level and in a low and almost whispering voice I told her I was very sad (instead of angry, though I was also angry) that she used her teeth on Elyas because it hurt him and now he was crying. Instead of her looking at me with an impish grin she said "no, you're MAD! and I'm sad right now!" and proceeded to act "sad". So, was she looking for an angry response? Does she want to make me mad? And why does the idea of her wanting to make me mad make me mad? I tried asking her why she bit him, but got no response besides "I'm sad right now", a response she often uses if she doesn't want to do something, though i do think it is genuine.

Anyway, I don't want to be a mother with a short temper who yells are her child all the time. I don't like how I feel on days like that, and I'm sure Leila doesn't either. But somehow it seems like it's a vicious cycle! I get frustrated with her, she misbehaves more, I get angry, she gets sad and needs my attention. I know part of it is I need to give her more structured activity. She is an active and intense child, and needs stimulation and I haven't been providing it. It seems like when she acts out the most is right before I'm ready to sit with her and do a project; ie, I'm trying to get Elyas to sleep so I can put him down and we can do painting or cooking, or some such project. Another part of it is my need for "me time" or me activities; or really, I need to be doing yoga again. This morning while we were laying in bed I did ten yoga breaths (pranayama) and I dealt with her much more calmly today. I really ought to make time for us to do yoga in the morning before breakfast. Maybe I will try tomorrow.

Another part of our problem, well, really my problem is living with my parents. I am very thankful to my family for supporting us in this way, but I need to be living on my own with my husband and children. I love my family dearly, but I need to feel like an adult instead on an adult child living under my parents rules. I think living on our own, I will be in a much better head space, though my wallet will be quite a bit tighter (but perhaps this will be of assistance in my journey for simple living). A subject for a different post altogether.