A musing on the competitive nature of humans

I recall in my college days discussing with classmates what "level" we were at in our education; I'm a junior, senior, fifth year, etc. Placing yourself in the hierarchy was important (to some) as a method of knowing how far ahead you were of someone else. Silly, because attaining your degree "first" does not mean it is any better or worse than the fellow who gets their degree the next year. Nor does graduating college at 21 make you better than graduating at 30. We are all on our own life paths, and it really isn't a race.

It's likewise just as silly when people driving down the freeway feel some ownership over the spot they are in, and are offended should someone pass them. It's extremely unlikely that the two are driving to the same destination, and that, therefore, someone overtaking them could get the better parking spot.


Based on these experiences, and others, I am lead to believe that we humans are hard-wired to be competitive. Deep down this makes sense. Obviously there are times that humans need to compete for resources, on a simple level (the amount of food availability is less than a population needs to support itself) to a much grander level (a fraction of the world's population competing for finite natural resources such as fossil fuels or clean water). But it seems to stem into everything. Even parenting.

I frequent a "birth club" online (actually, several; but in this instance I am thinking of a more mainstream one) for my March 2007 baby. Recently there have been several conversations about what kind of mommy you are, some even going so far as to ask one to list their qualifications for a certain parenting type. For instance, "What makes you Crunchy?" and the responses that follow are a list of things people do that qualify them as "crunchy". On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this - it may even open up paths that people hadn't seen before (for example, someone saying that they use reusable cloth bags for grocery shopping may encourage another person to make this relatively easy step toward conservation and minimizing environmental impact). It would be wonderful if we could leave it there, but the temptation is great to start tallying these things and thinking of oneself as "crunchier," and inevitably this equates to "better." I admit I am not above this myself; it is hard as a parent not to judge what others are doing because you want to be doing the best you can at parenting.

But parenting is not black and white. Being a stay at home mom is not simply better than being a mom who works out of the home; there are many instances in which the opposite could be true. Having a homebirth is not better than a hospital birth, or the inverse. Parents have to base their decisions on a complex thought process and the steps along the way will lead to different conclusions: it is right for my family to selectively delay vaccines, just as it is right for another family not to vaccinate at all, and for yet another family vaccinating fully and on schedule is right.

These "mommy wars" are so frustrating. Recently a friend was attacked on a forum because people viewed her publicly available homebirth video and noticed she had tattoos which are "unnatural" (I think this actually depends on your definition of natural - it does vary, and to some natural means living more like our ancestors, and tattooing is certainly not a new things). Okay, granted, I didn't read what the other people said about her, but I gather that it was unkind. So, who frickin cares if she has tattoos and that some other mommy who had a great natural birth doesn't have any tattoos and is therefore more natural than my friend! It's really, REALLY not a contest, and having tattoos doesn't make her any less of a mom. It doesn't even make her any less of a natural mommy! It just means that she's made different decisions with her life. Some "crunchy" mommies are vegetarian or vegan, but this is certainly not natural for humans (if we derive our intended diets from the makeup of our guts and teeth, we are omnivores), they are not "bad" at being natural for being vegetarian.

Anyway, my point is that motherhood need not and should not be a contest. It is not important how long you breastfed for or whether your baby slept with you or not. What matters is that you are loving, well-informed, carefully thinking, and happy with your own decisions in life.

In short, this blog is not intended to make any reader feel more or less crunchy than me. It is merely a place for me to consider my own parenting and lifestyle choices. I don't want to make anyone feel bad and I don't want to try to emulate anyone. I want to live my life to the best of my abilities and one thing that is important to me is living "crunchier" because it upholds my beliefs and desires: to make this world a better, cleaner place for my children; to make them happy and feel unconditionally loved; to learn to live in harmony with our mother earth. These are my goals. I do not wish to impose them on anyone but myself and I strive not to judge others by holding them up to what is my ideal.